Windsong

The wind.

The wind is soft, yet blustery, today. The temperature outside is just as gentle and warm. I can’t help but feel like the whole world, perceptions inside and out, is kind and maternal as I listen to the rush of the wind through the trees, sounding much like the waves of the sea crashing and rolling against a white sandy beach. And, then, the rhythm of my walk makes me pull the soft noise within….And, it is almost like I can hear the thrum of my heart beat much louder as the blood rushes through my arteries, into my capillaries, back through the veins and back again…Into a heart that has no stress…Just peacefully working at the job that it was created for.

No wonder they call her Mother Nature. Her lullabies are simple, yet very complex symphonies, expressing the all the work She has to do to keep her children balanced and strong… As they unknowingly work to the sound of her music, doing whatever they were created for.

And, what have I been created to do…? This is a question I ask of myself when I am able to connect with the Supreme Magnificence around me. And, as soon as it is asked, the answer pops back into my mind, “Live fully and completely to the best of your ability.”

Sometimes, that is a hard request for me to fulfill, especially when I am making crafts at Camp Quackers.

Then, there are other times that, if I sit quietly and tune into what is going on both inside and outside of me, I am able to find the balance to comply with Her simple request. I look at the purity in the laughter of my babies and can see Her working through me to nurture them according to my instincts (rather than peer pressure). I can look at my life partner, Sweet Robert Twatlips, and see him being the best man he can be and my chest fills with pride as I watch his loving co-parenting of our children. I can see my other friends and loved ones as the wonderful people they are, and sympathize as I see they too, try to comply with Mother Nature’s demand.

Today, I wish to walk with Her and try and not go against my instincts. I also will try to be more aware of the areas (those things I cannot change) and appreciate them as part of the process, instead of the obstacles that frustrate my will.

I pray to George Carlin that everyone has at least one soft day this summer… And, when they encounter it---They are able to listen and flow with Mother Nature… Because she is one helluva Mother when you piss her off by going against your instincts. LOLZ.

Now, I am going back outside to enjoy more of the wind…

Love, light and laughter to all…
Catherine

Fighting Through Life and Love With My Partner At My Side

Good morning! The sun looks like it is going to shine bright and the sky is an endless blue, seconding the forecast for a nice sunny day. Since the sun looks like it is going to be out awhile, I am going to take a big, long walk.

Ever since my shrink had to put me on a pill that I knew, from past experience, that it would balloon me up like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Guy, I have been carrying around an extra forty five pounds of badonkaDONK! So, to gradually start my weight loss, I have been trying to walk every time I have to go somewhere that is within walking distance. At first, it was pretty tough: my back ached. my cankles ached, the arches of both feet threatened mutiny, and I felt like I was going to have a fatass heart attack.

Gradually, bit-by-bit, I have increased my endurance and now look forward to my walks. Yesterday, it rained quite a bit in the a.m., so I walked all over the place in the afternoon; sniffing the sweetness of fresh rain and watching the tree leaves sparkle as the sun slowly began to show its face. It lifted the sadness in my heart that was left over from my morning activities.

Robert and I had gotten into a terrible argument. I mean TERRIBLE. I didn't go off on him and tried to remain calm as he threw every insult he could think of at me... Eventually, he shut up and left, taking the kids to an area picnic.

After he left I experienced a strange sense of deja vu. When Robert's mom became sick with lung cancer, four years ago, Robert and I had many moments like the one I just had with him today. It took me awhile to figure out that Robert's outbursts were due to the fact that he holds stuff in and refuses to cry and look weak. However, as soon as his mom passed, they became a lot more volatile and I had to kick him out of my house because I didn't want him to yell at the children.

Now, upon recognizing where Rob's violent fit came from (that being his father is dying from the same cancer that took his mom), I wondered if I wanted to go through the same process that happened when Shannon died, another time. My mind and heart screamed HELLZ NOES! But, then my heart softened and said to me, "But, Catherine...You love him and he is suffering. Why would you leave him, especially after he put up with nine months of you being off yer rocker?"

So, I looked at the sparkling tree-diamonds as I brooded while I walked. Finally a voice popped up in my head, "If you truly love him, you can walk beside him through everything. Fight not with words, but action." Immediately, I felt calm and serene. When he came home, his face showed the pain as he looked at me. After the kids settled down a bit, I asked for a hug and got one of the best hugs ever as he told me how sorry he was for acting like such a puke.

I told him that I was willing to walk through Hell with him, but, I was not going to allow him to take out his pain on me. I looked him in the eyes and said, "Robert, I am on the SAME TEAM as you are...And what you are doing here is the equivalent to a cop shooting his partner just as they were getting attacked by a bunch of thugs. It's pure madness. Please be kind to me...I don't give a fuck who or what you choose to be your whipping dog....As long as it isn't me...Or, the children."

He apologized and I accepted his apology. The sun started to become dusky...

I mean it though. I will walk beside him to Hell and back. I love him that much.

I just can't take it when he vomits his pain onto me like he did. And, I refuse to stand around and take it. If Robert happens to do this again, I will take the kids and I to Colorado until he mellows the fuck out. No if's, and's or but's. But, that will never change the amount of love that I have for my big, kung-fu barber. <3

I cannot wait to take my walk today. I have such good meditation when I simply focus on the rhythm of me feet pounding the pavement.... *Makes a BROADzilla roar*

Love, light and laughter to you all....

Catherine

A New Beginning - A New Introduction

Hello all!

As some of you know, I haven't been playing around on MySpazz much. I don't want to get all psychological and shit, but I really associate MySpazz with an era of establishing and learning how to have quality friendships that demand nothing but a bit o'love here and there. My face-2-face friends and my online friends have become the safety net that stands between my raging bipolar disorder, when it chooses to rear its ugly head. I used to think that MySpazz was the only way to continue to develop the online friends and my writing...

Now, I know better. Perhaps it was a emotional maturity thing? Who knows? Well...Either way, I have kind of had my fill of MySpazz and will only keep my account alive to access the few groups that I really care about.

Okay... Onto my blog entry/introduction/blahblahblah:

My name is Catherine and I am a thirty-three year-old, bipolar, recovering alcoholic. I live in Wisconsin and a mother to four children and two step-children. I am a fulltime student and I write a column for the local paper about philanthropic, recovery, and mental health issues. Since I am a very hardcore nerd, I love to monkey around on the computer and write about things; some of the topics I write about are pure nonsense, while some of them come from the very core of my spirit. I laugh a lot and try not to take life too seriously, even when living becomes like eating a shit-sandwich.

I am married to a man who is completely my opposite. He does not care for artsy-fartsy things and is a major hockey-head with his favorite team being the Minnesota Gophers. He is a man of few words, but when he speaks a lot of people listen---Except me. Because I am kind of his dingbat Edith to his growly, obnoxious Archie. He spoils me a lot and is a wonderful father to our children. This past year, he walked me through a nine-month-long psychotic episode; I know for a fact that not very many people would do this without bailing and running away. He is my hero in so many ways that I might as well save all of the reasons for another blog.

I have a thirteen-year-old daughter, Brutusdoll, who is probably the only person I can think of that could compete with Robert when it comes to inner strength. Somehow, she has come through life with a precocious sense of humor and wit while still being able to retain her childhood innocence. She is beautiful and radiates love and mischief. Right now, she lives in a different part of Wisconsin and I miss her when she is not up here visiting.

My nine-year-old son, Sir Olaf The Great, is full of sweetness, energy and love. Due to my recent run-in with my psychosis, I scared him so much that he is not going to visit until he is ready and willing to do so. I do not worry about him too much, because my ex's fiance is a wonderful mother to him and is going to nurse him back into a healthy place where he can make that decision when the time comes. Even though I haven't seen him for awhile, I still remember his chivalry and kindness to others.

My four-year-old, Hextall The Strong (Yes, he IS named after Ron Hextall) is full of life and excitement. He has a bit of a sensory disorder, but he has responded so much to treatment that barely anyone notices any more. He is a big solid preschooler who has a natural knack for sports....Which makes his dear sport-mongering daddy very happy and proud. He has big blue eyes and a smile that charms the socks off of all the ladies he meets.

My two-year-old, Pwincess Ava, is the bossy-boss of the world. She is usually very quiet and watchful most of the time; however, there have been times that the Pwincess decides to be quite demanding and we cannot help but spoil her....She is THAT cute. Besides, toddlers are still okay to spoil...It's when they get to that transitional preschool age that the limits and all that stuff has to be enforced. Soooo....since she is my last baby.....I am going to spoil her wretched until the time comes to do otherwise.

I also have two other kids that have made themselves a part of my family. They are the 19-year-old and 21-year-old children of my ex's fiance. One of them, Kake, is very quiet, patient, and understanding. The oldest, Kristie, just graduated from high school, even though she has challenges that would have made any other kid drop out---she is an inspiration to me as I struggle with my own twisted peabrain. They both babysit my little ones and I try my best to include them in family functions as I feel like they are the true sisters of my children.

As for me and how I have been doing lately, I am doing well. I am properly medicated and have been very active in recovery. I have gained a lot of weight from the medications that my doctor was prescribing to me, to help me get out of my psychosis. But, now...I feel more well and physically active that I hope to lose a few of them before winter (So, I can gain them right back...AHAHAHAH!) I try my hardest to be the friend that I would like to have to all the friends in my life. I wrote my first column for the past nine months and it was published with great reviews. I hope that this new blog site will consolidate my blogging efforts into something more convenient for all.

Well...That's about it with the introductions and all...

Love, light, and laughter to all,

Catherine