Ever since my shrink had to put me on a pill that I knew, from past experience, that it would balloon me up like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Guy, I have been carrying around an extra forty five pounds of badonkaDONK! So, to gradually start my weight loss, I have been trying to walk every time I have to go somewhere that is within walking distance. At first, it was pretty tough: my back ached. my cankles ached, the arches of both feet threatened mutiny, and I felt like I was going to have a fatass heart attack.
Gradually, bit-by-bit, I have increased my endurance and now look forward to my walks. Yesterday, it rained quite a bit in the a.m., so I walked all over the place in the afternoon; sniffing the sweetness of fresh rain and watching the tree leaves sparkle as the sun slowly began to show its face. It lifted the sadness in my heart that was left over from my morning activities.
Robert and I had gotten into a terrible argument. I mean TERRIBLE. I didn't go off on him and tried to remain calm as he threw every insult he could think of at me... Eventually, he shut up and left, taking the kids to an area picnic.
After he left I experienced a strange sense of deja vu. When Robert's mom became sick with lung cancer, four years ago, Robert and I had many moments like the one I just had with him today. It took me awhile to figure out that Robert's outbursts were due to the fact that he holds stuff in and refuses to cry and look weak. However, as soon as his mom passed, they became a lot more volatile and I had to kick him out of my house because I didn't want him to yell at the children.
Now, upon recognizing where Rob's violent fit came from (that being his father is dying from the same cancer that took his mom), I wondered if I wanted to go through the same process that happened when Shannon died, another time. My mind and heart screamed HELLZ NOES! But, then my heart softened and said to me, "But, Catherine...You love him and he is suffering. Why would you leave him, especially after he put up with nine months of you being off yer rocker?"
So, I looked at the sparkling tree-diamonds as I brooded while I walked. Finally a voice popped up in my head, "If you truly love him, you can walk beside him through everything. Fight not with words, but action." Immediately, I felt calm and serene. When he came home, his face showed the pain as he looked at me. After the kids settled down a bit, I asked for a hug and got one of the best hugs ever as he told me how sorry he was for acting like such a puke.
I told him that I was willing to walk through Hell with him, but, I was not going to allow him to take out his pain on me. I looked him in the eyes and said, "Robert, I am on the SAME TEAM as you are...And what you are doing here is the equivalent to a cop shooting his partner just as they were getting attacked by a bunch of thugs. It's pure madness. Please be kind to me...I don't give a fuck who or what you choose to be your whipping dog....As long as it isn't me...Or, the children."
He apologized and I accepted his apology. The sun started to become dusky...
I mean it though. I will walk beside him to Hell and back. I love him that much.
I just can't take it when he vomits his pain onto me like he did. And, I refuse to stand around and take it. If Robert happens to do this again, I will take the kids and I to Colorado until he mellows the fuck out. No if's, and's or but's. But, that will never change the amount of love that I have for my big, kung-fu barber. <3
I cannot wait to take my walk today. I have such good meditation when I simply focus on the rhythm of me feet pounding the pavement.... *Makes a BROADzilla roar*
Love, light and laughter to you all....