Things I Am Grateful For....

It's been a while since I have done a public gratitude list. Therefore, I am going to start the day off right and write in my journal this morning... You have been warned...LOLZ.

So, what am I grateful for?:

• I am grateful that I am in God's (George Carlin's) pocket, because I like to play around with his Ipod.
• I am grateful to have a husband who understands that when I am crazy, I am not Catherine anymore.
• I am grateful for all the friends who have supported me through this past year.
• I am grateful for all four of my children, who have the laughter, innocence, and love that I always wished for when I was a child.
• I am grateful that I am actively working a program of recovery to help me clean up the messes I made while I was bonkers.
• I am grateful that I have all my basic needs met--Place to live, food to eat, and clothes on my back.
• I am grateful for my morning walk this morning; it was a great way to wake my senses to the fact that the clouds, trees, and birds are still just as beautiful as they always are.
• I am grateful to have medications that bring me back from the dark place and back into the light.
• I am grateful to have all the professionals who have helped to support me as I traveled through the recent bout of psychosis--Helping me to get back to sanity in a way that I don't feel any shame or embarrassment regarding it all.
• I am grateful that I get to continue my college education this Fall!
• I am grateful for my computer, which allows me to communicate with so many people who are dually-diagnosed, as they teach me how to live with my own dual-diagnosis.
• I am grateful for silly hats.
• I am grateful that I have another chance to try this sanity thing and, also, return the love that has been so freely given to me.
• I am grateful for facebook spammery!
• I am grateful for my new blog...I feel like I can be more open and honest here.
• I am grateful for my sponsor.
• I am grateful that my hemorrhoids went away!
• I am grateful that my husband's father is feeling much stronger since his chemo treatments.
• I am grateful for my children's arts and crafts...They always wow me with how purely creative the child's mind is--This inspires me to keep up on my own creativity. (like lying to the cops....I KID! I KID! lolz)
• I am grateful to have you all, dear readers.... You have done saved my bacon more that I can count fer.

Okay...There you have it.

Love always, Catherine Teh Paper Plate xoxoxoxo

George Carlin

Flutter the pulse gone rapid
On the hospital bed lay
Images of life passes through the selfish memory
Before fading to gray

Scared and confused
Making frightened requests to a God that you never did pray
Intelligence and ego shattered
Begging comes natural; "Why me?" as the night overcomes the day

With a powerful WHOOSH you are back and alive
Thanking the God of Atheists for whatever come may
Some pills and instructions, the doctor sends you home
Easily forgotten are the prayers of dismay

Feeling that science and intellect
Saved your bacon, the arrogance comes back and betrays
The one and only connection to the spiritual world around all
Like a toy that you were slightly interested in, you cast it away

Where are you, now?
My softly dying friend
You inspired me greatly in a way
The spiritual death in your eyes reminding me...

Who gives a fuck if I pray to George Carlin
As long as I pray
Because I want to be a part of the fabric of world's humanity
Every single day

Thank you my friend... My Atheist pal...
I love you greatly despite the fight you play
Against a whole world that is connected
No matter how much you blind yourself to the sunshine's ray

Feel the warmth of the sun my friend
Feel the compassion of a springtime windy day
Feel the joy of a bird set free
Feel everything...So that you might stay

Cradled in the majesty of the known universe
With comfort that nobody ever really dies; they just go away
For awhile--Until everyone joins you, no matter what they say
No matter what their religion, they all come to the same place
Of energy, molecules, and star-birthing fire...

In the meantime, I will be here for you, my friend...
Until our dying days.
Now, quit the fattening junk food and the cigarettes
And, go out and exercise
Because, if you have another heart attack

I am going to have to kill you
You fatass lazy shit-fer-brains,
Because that will mean I will have to quit everything just the same
Armed with donuts and coffee, I will beat you into a bloody pulp
Then, I will go to prison

For violating a corpse.
So, please...please...please Catherine
Try to live a more healthier way..
33 is too young to have your life slip away.

So, wake up and smell the orange juice, bitch.
You have children to take care of, today
It's time to wake up
And grow up....

And throw your toys away.

My writing pen is taking a break...

Since Robert's dad was admitted to the hospital, I have not been feeling like writing much. My concern for both of them has kinda pushed aside my need for whimsy and blahblahblah. Therefore, I have decided to take a hiatus and deal with real life fully...

I miss you guys, though. A lot.

Love,
Catherine

Maybe I Will Try To Chew....*hurl* Maybe Not.

Went to the ER this morning with chest and arm pain. I figured it was just a bad panic attack and was hoping that they would confirm this and I could go home and wait it out... Instead, I got strapped up to all these monitors, fed baby asprin and nitroglycerin, got a chest x-ray and morphine. Then, after three hours they said that it was most likely a panic attack; but, because my heart was doing some funky shit, I have to go have a stress test later this week.

They told me I have to stop smoking since my older brother has a history of having a heart attack at 37. Also, when I told them about Rob's mom and dad being stricken with lung cancer, the doc told me I should stop smoking around him altogether, because my second-hand smoke would likely kill him considering his history.

I have been trying, on and off, for the past year to quit. I have the fucking gum, I have been exercising when I notice I am starting to chain-smoke... The doc assured me that, since my bipolar shit is now stabilized, now would be a good time to give Chantix a try.

Part of me wants to quit and another part of me wants to chain-smoke like hell.

God help me.

Jesus Crappants.... I am more worried about Rob's health more than mine.

I am just really apathetic about warnings of death for myself; to be honest, I would love the release from the pain in my brain when I am going nuts.

I don't know if I am making sense. I sure know that I am a selfish bitch...

*sigh*

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Catherine

Seeing The Past And The Future; Robert and His Dad

For those of you who did not know, Robert's dad got diagnosed with lung cancer a few months back. All of us were rocked by the diagnosis, because his mother passed away from the same cancer three years ago. As I looked on, I couldn't help but feel a little disgusted for all the people I know who whine about drama and gossip... While watching Robert as he stoically walked beside his father through chemo, and helping his very proudly independent dad with carrying groceries up the stairs for him.

Every day that has gone by, I have become more and more in love with him and his father as they wordlessly expressed their intimacy through hard-nose jokes about the doom and gloom of our depressed economy. I have seen my husband do everything to accommodate his father, no small request was considered as trifling; if there was something to do for his dad...He did it without question. It was clear to me that this dance between father and son was private and personal; so, I just tried my best to support them as I possibly could and respect both of their dignity...

In other words, they didn't want any bimbo-driven, ovary-related gushes of tears and boohoos.... And since I saw that they were both strong enough to go through this with their chins up, I tried my best to mirror them and do the same....

And, whaddya know? I learned a new way of expressing my emotions---WITHOUT WORDS! (*gong* EUREKA!!) Instead, I learned to give soft hugs, back rubs, and better eye contact.(sometimes I really suck at eye contact) I can honestly say that I never knew how to express my emotions this way, without being an utter blab-basket. In return, I have gotten a chance to see the past and the future of both these old-fashioned men and my heart has grown big, knowing that Robert will most likely turn out to be just like his dad when he gets older. A little grouchy, sarcastic, stand-up guy.... And, I like what I see.

Yesterday, Robert's dad was admitted to the hospital, put on a ventilator, and admitted to the ICU. The doctors think it is due to a lung infection, being that the chemo had worn his immune system down. So, from what I understand, he has to be on the vent for a few days and then he will be transferred to a regular Oncology bed, until he is completely well. Since yesterday, Rob has spent every moment he has by his father's side, until visiting hours are over, and then he comes home to me...I can see how tired he is... But, there is also another part that I see in his eyes, the part that KNOWS he is doing all he can to comfort his father, and is accepting of what is going on. That part...makes my tears well up, even as I write this.

He is a strong man, my Robert. And, I love him with all of my heart.

Even now, I am waiting for him to come home, and am jumping up at every car that passes by like some lovesick teenager...Eager to hug her beau.

So that is what has been up with me and my writing. Real life, once again, calls for all of my attention. But, that's okay...

My two old men have taught me about patience and watching the world talk to me in things that are not words...

I can hang.

Love,
Catherine

P.S. To all of those who have been praying and meditating for us.... Thank you from the bottom of my gushy nerd-bimbo's heart.

TEH BEELZEBUBSIE TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it has been quite sometime since I have posted last. I have been up to knees in real-life drama and weirdness, and it is now that I find myself having the time to take a break in this warm summer heart.

Speaking of warm, heat.....I am convinced that the Antichrist comes as male and as a female and they are like the Wondertwins from Superheros. Alone, they benignly babble and try to map out the actual figures of how many Republicans love the John Stewart show. (According to them, you would totally be surprised).

Today the dual antichrist lured me from my nice cool cocoon on the couch and forced me to go OUTSIDE!!!! Now before you get a lookin' on your face, lemme tell you, I tried to make them change their minds. I asked dem, "Hey you, poopfactory, why don't you get a job you hairless monkey." That didn't work, so I tried a different angle, "Hey you, I am Lord Kegel Lips and I demand you clean my house forthwith!!!" They just stared at me....

And stared at me, if I was a big ghey vampire fan, I would say that they stared at me with their eyes havin' a preternatural glowww....But, I am NOT a fucking ghey ass vampire freak, so, I will be telling you with mah own words.....

They glared at me like I was a honey-roasted ham surrounded by butterbuns. They advanced. And as they advanced they called out, "WEWANAGOOUSSIDE!" step after step.

"WEWANAGOOUSSIDE!"
step

"WEWANAGOOUSSIDE!"
step

"WEWANAGOOUSSIDE!"
step

Finally, out of sheer terror of the posssibility of Satan making me take over the Billy Mays empire, I shot out of the chair and took my lil' sweet demons out to play in the yard. They immediately began making trouble by fighting over a bike. "MIIIIIEEEEE BIKE! MIEEEEEE BIKE!!!!'

Brilliant parentfigure that I was, I decided to nullify their argument by grabbing the bike out of their hands and ride off on it. I lasted ten seconds before I ate dirt. That was the moment that the kids did some power-kid punch off and totally tore up my life.

One of them yanked my bike away, as the girl got preoccupied with my plants and began picking the biggest blossoms. Half-paralyzed and with the living breath knocked out of me, I can only wheeze,"YOU little dork turd get away from my flowers and don't you dare touchthat aloe plaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnt ARRRRRGH! You evil demon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You could have left the aloe alone."

Bored with flowers and bikes, they began to fight over the bubbles, and the wicked she-heathen won by drinking the entire bottle down like it was Mountain Dew.By this time I had recovered enough to get back on my feet and I looked down at her, "You are gonna get a mad case of diarrhea from that, you know?"

And the infidel had the stones to smile at me and say, "MORE MORE DIARRHEA!"

My last wit broken and craving some chocolate, I shood the brats inside and told them to wait until daddy gets home. So, I grab my pop and on the way inside --they had it so that all of our outside gear was blocking the door. The twin demons began laughing and laughing as they watched me kick my door in.

FINALLY, inside the house, shaking with fear, wondering what the hellions would do next, my mouth went dry. I tipped my soda into my mouth as if I was a thirsty man from the desert.


PHFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!! It went everywhere.

Them little beautiful minievil-creatures had poured a whole helluva lot of bubble sauce into my drink. I vomited. I coughed and gagged and I crawled down the stairs to beg them mercy and my son said to me, "I can't find your pursey (he meant purse so get those weirded out faces outta here!) because you have a really really reaaaaaaaaaaally big butt."

I am thinking of calling the cops. But, I have a feeling that most cops are secretively on the criminal's side....So, maybe I won't.

One thing I can do now, is to hide on the computer and put some Boomerang on for them. Boomerang must be some sort of meditative device, because as soon as I put it on, they get alll vacant-eyed and drooly.

Whatever. I am going to go pillow-fight on facebook.

Windsong

The wind.

The wind is soft, yet blustery, today. The temperature outside is just as gentle and warm. I can’t help but feel like the whole world, perceptions inside and out, is kind and maternal as I listen to the rush of the wind through the trees, sounding much like the waves of the sea crashing and rolling against a white sandy beach. And, then, the rhythm of my walk makes me pull the soft noise within….And, it is almost like I can hear the thrum of my heart beat much louder as the blood rushes through my arteries, into my capillaries, back through the veins and back again…Into a heart that has no stress…Just peacefully working at the job that it was created for.

No wonder they call her Mother Nature. Her lullabies are simple, yet very complex symphonies, expressing the all the work She has to do to keep her children balanced and strong… As they unknowingly work to the sound of her music, doing whatever they were created for.

And, what have I been created to do…? This is a question I ask of myself when I am able to connect with the Supreme Magnificence around me. And, as soon as it is asked, the answer pops back into my mind, “Live fully and completely to the best of your ability.”

Sometimes, that is a hard request for me to fulfill, especially when I am making crafts at Camp Quackers.

Then, there are other times that, if I sit quietly and tune into what is going on both inside and outside of me, I am able to find the balance to comply with Her simple request. I look at the purity in the laughter of my babies and can see Her working through me to nurture them according to my instincts (rather than peer pressure). I can look at my life partner, Sweet Robert Twatlips, and see him being the best man he can be and my chest fills with pride as I watch his loving co-parenting of our children. I can see my other friends and loved ones as the wonderful people they are, and sympathize as I see they too, try to comply with Mother Nature’s demand.

Today, I wish to walk with Her and try and not go against my instincts. I also will try to be more aware of the areas (those things I cannot change) and appreciate them as part of the process, instead of the obstacles that frustrate my will.

I pray to George Carlin that everyone has at least one soft day this summer… And, when they encounter it---They are able to listen and flow with Mother Nature… Because she is one helluva Mother when you piss her off by going against your instincts. LOLZ.

Now, I am going back outside to enjoy more of the wind…

Love, light and laughter to all…
Catherine

Fighting Through Life and Love With My Partner At My Side

Good morning! The sun looks like it is going to shine bright and the sky is an endless blue, seconding the forecast for a nice sunny day. Since the sun looks like it is going to be out awhile, I am going to take a big, long walk.

Ever since my shrink had to put me on a pill that I knew, from past experience, that it would balloon me up like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Guy, I have been carrying around an extra forty five pounds of badonkaDONK! So, to gradually start my weight loss, I have been trying to walk every time I have to go somewhere that is within walking distance. At first, it was pretty tough: my back ached. my cankles ached, the arches of both feet threatened mutiny, and I felt like I was going to have a fatass heart attack.

Gradually, bit-by-bit, I have increased my endurance and now look forward to my walks. Yesterday, it rained quite a bit in the a.m., so I walked all over the place in the afternoon; sniffing the sweetness of fresh rain and watching the tree leaves sparkle as the sun slowly began to show its face. It lifted the sadness in my heart that was left over from my morning activities.

Robert and I had gotten into a terrible argument. I mean TERRIBLE. I didn't go off on him and tried to remain calm as he threw every insult he could think of at me... Eventually, he shut up and left, taking the kids to an area picnic.

After he left I experienced a strange sense of deja vu. When Robert's mom became sick with lung cancer, four years ago, Robert and I had many moments like the one I just had with him today. It took me awhile to figure out that Robert's outbursts were due to the fact that he holds stuff in and refuses to cry and look weak. However, as soon as his mom passed, they became a lot more volatile and I had to kick him out of my house because I didn't want him to yell at the children.

Now, upon recognizing where Rob's violent fit came from (that being his father is dying from the same cancer that took his mom), I wondered if I wanted to go through the same process that happened when Shannon died, another time. My mind and heart screamed HELLZ NOES! But, then my heart softened and said to me, "But, Catherine...You love him and he is suffering. Why would you leave him, especially after he put up with nine months of you being off yer rocker?"

So, I looked at the sparkling tree-diamonds as I brooded while I walked. Finally a voice popped up in my head, "If you truly love him, you can walk beside him through everything. Fight not with words, but action." Immediately, I felt calm and serene. When he came home, his face showed the pain as he looked at me. After the kids settled down a bit, I asked for a hug and got one of the best hugs ever as he told me how sorry he was for acting like such a puke.

I told him that I was willing to walk through Hell with him, but, I was not going to allow him to take out his pain on me. I looked him in the eyes and said, "Robert, I am on the SAME TEAM as you are...And what you are doing here is the equivalent to a cop shooting his partner just as they were getting attacked by a bunch of thugs. It's pure madness. Please be kind to me...I don't give a fuck who or what you choose to be your whipping dog....As long as it isn't me...Or, the children."

He apologized and I accepted his apology. The sun started to become dusky...

I mean it though. I will walk beside him to Hell and back. I love him that much.

I just can't take it when he vomits his pain onto me like he did. And, I refuse to stand around and take it. If Robert happens to do this again, I will take the kids and I to Colorado until he mellows the fuck out. No if's, and's or but's. But, that will never change the amount of love that I have for my big, kung-fu barber. <3

I cannot wait to take my walk today. I have such good meditation when I simply focus on the rhythm of me feet pounding the pavement.... *Makes a BROADzilla roar*

Love, light and laughter to you all....

Catherine

A New Beginning - A New Introduction

Hello all!

As some of you know, I haven't been playing around on MySpazz much. I don't want to get all psychological and shit, but I really associate MySpazz with an era of establishing and learning how to have quality friendships that demand nothing but a bit o'love here and there. My face-2-face friends and my online friends have become the safety net that stands between my raging bipolar disorder, when it chooses to rear its ugly head. I used to think that MySpazz was the only way to continue to develop the online friends and my writing...

Now, I know better. Perhaps it was a emotional maturity thing? Who knows? Well...Either way, I have kind of had my fill of MySpazz and will only keep my account alive to access the few groups that I really care about.

Okay... Onto my blog entry/introduction/blahblahblah:

My name is Catherine and I am a thirty-three year-old, bipolar, recovering alcoholic. I live in Wisconsin and a mother to four children and two step-children. I am a fulltime student and I write a column for the local paper about philanthropic, recovery, and mental health issues. Since I am a very hardcore nerd, I love to monkey around on the computer and write about things; some of the topics I write about are pure nonsense, while some of them come from the very core of my spirit. I laugh a lot and try not to take life too seriously, even when living becomes like eating a shit-sandwich.

I am married to a man who is completely my opposite. He does not care for artsy-fartsy things and is a major hockey-head with his favorite team being the Minnesota Gophers. He is a man of few words, but when he speaks a lot of people listen---Except me. Because I am kind of his dingbat Edith to his growly, obnoxious Archie. He spoils me a lot and is a wonderful father to our children. This past year, he walked me through a nine-month-long psychotic episode; I know for a fact that not very many people would do this without bailing and running away. He is my hero in so many ways that I might as well save all of the reasons for another blog.

I have a thirteen-year-old daughter, Brutusdoll, who is probably the only person I can think of that could compete with Robert when it comes to inner strength. Somehow, she has come through life with a precocious sense of humor and wit while still being able to retain her childhood innocence. She is beautiful and radiates love and mischief. Right now, she lives in a different part of Wisconsin and I miss her when she is not up here visiting.

My nine-year-old son, Sir Olaf The Great, is full of sweetness, energy and love. Due to my recent run-in with my psychosis, I scared him so much that he is not going to visit until he is ready and willing to do so. I do not worry about him too much, because my ex's fiance is a wonderful mother to him and is going to nurse him back into a healthy place where he can make that decision when the time comes. Even though I haven't seen him for awhile, I still remember his chivalry and kindness to others.

My four-year-old, Hextall The Strong (Yes, he IS named after Ron Hextall) is full of life and excitement. He has a bit of a sensory disorder, but he has responded so much to treatment that barely anyone notices any more. He is a big solid preschooler who has a natural knack for sports....Which makes his dear sport-mongering daddy very happy and proud. He has big blue eyes and a smile that charms the socks off of all the ladies he meets.

My two-year-old, Pwincess Ava, is the bossy-boss of the world. She is usually very quiet and watchful most of the time; however, there have been times that the Pwincess decides to be quite demanding and we cannot help but spoil her....She is THAT cute. Besides, toddlers are still okay to spoil...It's when they get to that transitional preschool age that the limits and all that stuff has to be enforced. Soooo....since she is my last baby.....I am going to spoil her wretched until the time comes to do otherwise.

I also have two other kids that have made themselves a part of my family. They are the 19-year-old and 21-year-old children of my ex's fiance. One of them, Kake, is very quiet, patient, and understanding. The oldest, Kristie, just graduated from high school, even though she has challenges that would have made any other kid drop out---she is an inspiration to me as I struggle with my own twisted peabrain. They both babysit my little ones and I try my best to include them in family functions as I feel like they are the true sisters of my children.

As for me and how I have been doing lately, I am doing well. I am properly medicated and have been very active in recovery. I have gained a lot of weight from the medications that my doctor was prescribing to me, to help me get out of my psychosis. But, now...I feel more well and physically active that I hope to lose a few of them before winter (So, I can gain them right back...AHAHAHAH!) I try my hardest to be the friend that I would like to have to all the friends in my life. I wrote my first column for the past nine months and it was published with great reviews. I hope that this new blog site will consolidate my blogging efforts into something more convenient for all.

Well...That's about it with the introductions and all...

Love, light, and laughter to all,

Catherine