Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I know it has been quite sometime since I have posted last. I have been up to knees in real-life drama and weirdness, and it is now that I find myself having the time to take a break in this warm summer heart.

Speaking of warm, heat.....I am convinced that the Antichrist comes as male and as a female and they are like the Wondertwins from Superheros. Alone, they benignly babble and try to map out the actual figures of how many Republicans love the John Stewart show. (According to them, you would totally be surprised).

Today the dual antichrist lured me from my nice cool cocoon on the couch and forced me to go OUTSIDE!!!! Now before you get a lookin' on your face, lemme tell you, I tried to make them change their minds. I asked dem, "Hey you, poopfactory, why don't you get a job you hairless monkey." That didn't work, so I tried a different angle, "Hey you, I am Lord Kegel Lips and I demand you clean my house forthwith!!!" They just stared at me....

And stared at me, if I was a big ghey vampire fan, I would say that they stared at me with their eyes havin' a preternatural glowww....But, I am NOT a fucking ghey ass vampire freak, so, I will be telling you with mah own words.....

They glared at me like I was a honey-roasted ham surrounded by butterbuns. They advanced. And as they advanced they called out, "WEWANAGOOUSSIDE!" step after step.




Finally, out of sheer terror of the posssibility of Satan making me take over the Billy Mays empire, I shot out of the chair and took my lil' sweet demons out to play in the yard. They immediately began making trouble by fighting over a bike. "MIIIIIEEEEE BIKE! MIEEEEEE BIKE!!!!'

Brilliant parentfigure that I was, I decided to nullify their argument by grabbing the bike out of their hands and ride off on it. I lasted ten seconds before I ate dirt. That was the moment that the kids did some power-kid punch off and totally tore up my life.

One of them yanked my bike away, as the girl got preoccupied with my plants and began picking the biggest blossoms. Half-paralyzed and with the living breath knocked out of me, I can only wheeze,"YOU little dork turd get away from my flowers and don't you dare touchthat aloe plaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnt ARRRRRGH! You evil demon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You could have left the aloe alone."

Bored with flowers and bikes, they began to fight over the bubbles, and the wicked she-heathen won by drinking the entire bottle down like it was Mountain Dew.By this time I had recovered enough to get back on my feet and I looked down at her, "You are gonna get a mad case of diarrhea from that, you know?"

And the infidel had the stones to smile at me and say, "MORE MORE DIARRHEA!"

My last wit broken and craving some chocolate, I shood the brats inside and told them to wait until daddy gets home. So, I grab my pop and on the way inside --they had it so that all of our outside gear was blocking the door. The twin demons began laughing and laughing as they watched me kick my door in.

FINALLY, inside the house, shaking with fear, wondering what the hellions would do next, my mouth went dry. I tipped my soda into my mouth as if I was a thirsty man from the desert.


Them little beautiful minievil-creatures had poured a whole helluva lot of bubble sauce into my drink. I vomited. I coughed and gagged and I crawled down the stairs to beg them mercy and my son said to me, "I can't find your pursey (he meant purse so get those weirded out faces outta here!) because you have a really really reaaaaaaaaaaally big butt."

I am thinking of calling the cops. But, I have a feeling that most cops are secretively on the criminal's side....So, maybe I won't.

One thing I can do now, is to hide on the computer and put some Boomerang on for them. Boomerang must be some sort of meditative device, because as soon as I put it on, they get alll vacant-eyed and drooly.

Whatever. I am going to go pillow-fight on facebook.

1 comment:

  1. haaaa as much as they do this stuff. you cant help but love them. my daughter nina told me i smelled good one day then continued to take her short little 6 year old self to my butt and smell it. then proceded to tell her friend smell my mom! im tellin ya kids are weird. i sometimes wonder if i did these things.